Some people are just very difficult to love! Perhaps they have different social skills, different backgrounds, different anger management techniques, or perhaps, they love a football team that you despise with all your heart! (i.e. In my case, I find Steelers fans and Wolverine fans extremely difficult!)
God developed us for relationships. With Him first, then with others. Conflict in relationships is inevitable. No relationship can escape it. It becomes more and more difficult when we spend an extraordinary amount of time with the other person. Many years ago, when I was in a college and career class in a church, one point brought up in a relationship class for potential married couples was this ... be sure to devote one night a week to where one person goes out with his friends, and the other goes out with hers. We need to spend time apart! I once worked for a married couple who owned their own business. The man and wife had adjoining desks in the office. They were around each other 24 hours a day, 7 days a week! Not surprisingly, their marriage lasted less than 2 years.
I am currently dealing with a large amount of conflict between myself and a very close friend. We live together and we work together. We attend church together. We spend almost every waking moment together. Not always by choice, but by convenience. This friend is without transportation, so I am also taxi driver. Most of the time, we have a great time! But there are moments ... well, let's just say there are moments I am glad I do not own a firearm, or I would be in prison!
Let me point out that I am definitely NOT an expert on conflict resolution! This particular friendship has pushed me nearly to my breaking point a number of times. But I am learning. Slowly, but I AM learning. I have no doubt at all that God put this person in my life so God could test me and to teach me. Early on in our friendship, if this person was to say something that I knew was totally off the mark, I would be quick to point out what the correct answer should be. Now, I take a short breath, and do my best to just ask the person why they feel the answer is what they believe it is. I will then try to help show them where they can find the actual answer. OR ... many times, I will just nod my head if it is petty enough, and let them believe what they want to believe, hoping that life will eventually teach them the correct answer.
Sometimes, though, no matter how I respond, this person will totally snap and rages of anger build up within them. Once, over something completely petty that I hadn't originally given a second thought to, the person just totally snapped and physically assaulted me, leaving my face completely black and blue. After calming down my own emotions, my first instinct was to call the police and press charges. But I didn't. For a number of reasons that I won't get into on this blog, but instead, this person took off for about two hours. While they were gone, I prayed. I asked God if it was okay with Him if I didn't get police involved, and could just forgive them no questions asked. Well, the response from God as I understood it was, "Mark, I forgave you for ALL your sins. Because you were repentant!" When this person came back two hours later, we sat down, and immediately, remorse was showing, and a begging of forgiveness came from this person. So that I did. And I have harbored no resentment over that issue since. I did make it clear, though, that I would forgive unconditionally, just as Jesus did ... but it could NOT continue, and if there was just one more act of physical violence, the police WOULD become involved. I also made it clear that even if it got to the point where I did press charges, I would love this person no matter what. If they were to be sent to jail, it would be an act of tough love, NOT as an act of revenge.
Everyone is different. And each person will deal with results of certain situations differently, even different from the way they responded in previous situations. This makes life so difficult at times. Ladies think men should be mind readers. Men need to hear. We get confused easily!
So ... if conflict arises ... no, scratch that ... WHEN conflict arises, what are we to do? We ARE to resolve the conflict! Matthew 5:24 tells us, "First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift." We won't be right with God if we are not reconciled with our brothers! So, what do we do?
The following list comes from Ken Sande, author of "The Peacemaker—A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict." As important as practical skills are, the focus always has to be on motive. If our desire is to honor Christ, everything else will follow."
Define the problem and stick to the issue. Clearly define the issue and stay on topic during the discussion. Conflict deteriorates when the issue that started the conflict gets lost in angry words, past issues, or hurts tossed into the mix.
Pursue purity of heart. "Take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye" (Matt. 7:5 NASB). Before approaching others regarding their faults and shortcomings, prayerfully face up to your own. Confess any way you might have contributed to the problem.
Plan a time for the discussion. Plan a time to meet with the other person when you are both rested and likely to respond in love to the other person's concerns. When you are tired, stressed, and distracted with other responsibilities, things rarely will go well.
Affirm the Relationship. Affirm the relationship before clearly defining the problem. For example, "Our relationship is important to me. But when you don't return my calls, I feel rejected and unimportant." Avoid blaming the other person and saying, "You make me feel…" Instead, say, "When you do ‘A', I feel ‘B'."
By applying these practical tips and tools for resolving conflict to your relationships, you can turn obstacles into opportunities to demonstrate the love and power of the gospel. What's more, you will know the deep, abiding joy that comes through obedience to God's Word.
"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God" (Matthew 5:9).
Listen carefully. Once you share your feelings, listen to the other person's perspective. Lean in; be present. "One of the most powerful communication techniques I know is to listen well," points out Sande. Make sure your body language conveys that you are open to the other's perspective. Reflect back to the individual what you believe you have heard. For example, "I heard you say that you feel expectations from me. Is that correct?"
Forgive. Forgive others as Christ has forgiven you. "Forgiveness is both an event and a process," Sande says. He suggests you make forgiveness concrete with four promises:
- I promise I won't bring this up and use it against you in the future.
- I promise I'm not going to dwell on it in my own heart and mind.
- I'm not going to talk to other people about it.
- I'm not going to let it stand between us or hinder our personal relationship.
Propose a solution. Remember the relationship is more important than the issue. When working toward a solution, consider Philippians 2:4-5: "Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus." Seek solutions that keep everyone's best interests in mind.
This is not an exact science. Conflict resolution is a most difficult task to master, for sure! But if we are to love others as Christ has loved us, it is a task that we MUST work at and try harder!
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