I Don't Want To Sink With The Ship

On Easter Sunday, I attended Cypress Wesleyan Church, in Galloway, Ohio, for the first time.  I attended again the next Sunday, and plan on going on a regular basis.  I say this, because the Pastor, Ken Murphy, is currently preaching a series entitled, "Unsinkable: Don't Go Down With The Ship."  On April 20 and 21, former Ohio State Buckeye Maurice Clarett will be speaking.  I've met Maurice once, right before his life seemed to start to unravel.  I followed Maurice's blogs when he was in prison, and continued to keep him in prayer over the past several years.  Now, he has become refocused and seems to have his priorities straight.  That includes God first, then family, then everything else.  Praise God!

But selfishly (in a good way), I have been examining my own life.  Where am I?  Why am I here?  Am I doing what God wants me to do?  Am I even right with God?

Almost six months ago, Jeremy came roaring into my life, in ways I can't even begin to explain.  I don't want to share all of his personal life on this blog, but I do feel safe sharing the following.  Jeremy was an 18 year old living in a tent under a bridge.  I would meet up with him about once a week or so, and offer food and any other service I was able to provide.  On October 4th of 2012, I was sitting at home when an overwhelming bad gut feeling entered into me.  No doubt it was God speaking to me.  I felt led to leave my home and drive very fast to where he had been living.  Just before I arrived, he had been pinned to the ground by some thugs who were trying to kill him.  Without hesitation, I asked Jeremy to pack up his belongings and return to the suburbs with me.  He did.  I laid down some basic ground rules, such as getting a job, being drug and alcohol free, etc, etc.

It is now April of 2013.  Jeremy is still staying with me in my home.  He continues to be drug and alcohol free.  He continues to work as a busboy in a nearby restaurant.  He continues to struggle with certain issues, but don't we all.  

I did NOT take Jeremy out of the gutter in order to be a "saint."  I did it out of friendship.  I did it because God was telling me to do it.

Jeremy, left, and Mark, right

In the past six months or so, I have become a new person.   Sometimes, I feel like my heart has become more hardened, though.  To be completely honest, there are times I become bitter.  I feel like I have lost a lot of my "freedom."  I can't make a decision in life without having to consider how that decision will affect "the kid."  Yes, that sounds selfish.  It is selfish.  But it's a side effect I've been having to deal with.  I know for a fact that he is trying hard to get ahead financially so he can find a place of his own.  But the economy is rough.  Financially, it's been very rough for both of us.

And there have been other issues.  It's difficult living AND working with someone in small close quarters.  Tempers have flared a number of times, although that has been gradually getting better.  But it still happens.  In desperation, I cry out to God many times, "I can't handle this anymore!!!"  God consistently reminds me that "I can do all things in Him who gives me strength."  (Phil 4:13).  

I don't want to "sink with the ship".  God has a book full of warnings on how to survive.  He has a blueprint so that we don't use faulty nuts and bolts when building our ship.  I want to re-commit my life to Christ.  I'm just scared.  Reasons for that will come in a future blog.  But for now, let's just say that I am trying to do the right thing.  God knows I try.  I just wonder often just how disappointed God is in me for not trying hard enough.

(For the record, don't confuse my "works" with any doubts of salvation.  I am saved through the blood of Christ, not on what I do or don't do for Him.  But because I am saved, and He gave His only Son to die on the cross for me, I want to give my WHOLE life back to him.  I just feel like I'm shortchanging God.  I owe Him so much more!)